Khalid Sheikh Mohammed : “I Killed Jesus”

In a shocking revelation, KSM described how, in a previous lifetime, incarnated in the body of Judas, he betrayed Jesus with a kiss on the cheek in the Garden of Gethsemane. “I knew what I was doing,” the Sheikh admitted. “You think I did it for 30 pieces of silver?” he spat contemptuously. “I knew what would happen. I had bigger objectives!” Skipping through time, and rambling, the Sheikh admitted being Jack the Ripper in the 19th Century. “I got carried away,” he said sheepishly. “I really like women, and afterwards I felt sorry about it, and tried to stop. But it was like Al Pacino said in that bad Godfather movie: Everytime I tried to get out of it, they kept pulling me back!”

Apparently appealing for sympathy, he adduced similar rationales for his crimes as Adolf Hitler. “What I really wanted was an alliance with Britain to stop Stalin in Russia,” he whimpered in court. “When the Brits didn’t come in to stop me in Spain, I figured they’d join with me after I invaded Poland. Jeez! They really tricked me!”
While the Sheikh admitted to Hitler’s crimes, he stopped short of admitting to Stalin’s. “Even I couldn’t be in two places at the same time,” he murmured wistfully.
Lest we mistake that muffled voice for contrition, the Sheikh proudly admitted to “dabbling” in Black Magic. He claims he was able to inhabit the body of Jeffrey Dahmer and drive him crazy with Christmas jingles playing ad nauseum in the poor man’s head. “They start in November!” the Sheik interjected. “How many times can you hear Jingle Bells and Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer without going bonkers?” Dahmer’s only recourse, explained KSM, was cannibalism. KSM described it as “an experiment that needed a little fine-tuning.”

The Sheikh said he got the fine-tuning right when he got into Britney Spears’ head and forced her to shave her scalp! “It was easy,” he said. “Once I was in between the ears, there was nothing to distract me. There was no there there!” he said, quoting Gertrude Stein. On the other hand, KSM refused to acknowledge paternity in the case of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. “Who can say?” he shrugged. “There were so many …”

When one cantankerous reporter—not from Faux news!—pointed out that the Sheik no longer had any fingernails—merely bloody wicket-stumps at the end of his knuckles—KSM denied that torture had anything to do with his latest confessions.